Let go.
Cool calm mind, cool calm body.
Listen to your inner nature.
What do these phrases all have in common? If you guessed that you'd hear them over and over again at a silent meditation retreat you are correct.
Before I knew I would be spending a year of my life in Thailand, I had heard my friend Jaime share a tiny bit about her time at Suan Mokkh. It sparked my interest and planted a seed in the back of my mind. Then the stars aligned, and I was on a plane to spend a year teaching in Thailand. Stepping off the plane into this new country, my new home, I told myself I wouldn't leave without spending my own 10 days at Wat Suan Mokkh. Life just has ways of working itself out perfectly if you let it. My Fulbright grant ended just in time for me to make it to the October retreat.
The first ten days of every month the International Dharma Hermitage hosts a retreat for foreigners. Stripped to the minimal needs of life, and operating on the bell's schedule, they have created a simple way of living. The focus is anapanasati (mindfulness with breathing), and this meditation is practice throughout all aspects of the day. From listening to talks, sitting and walking meditations, eating, and chores the breath is always at the core. Although some talks clouded my mind with too much vocab or "strategy" about meditation and had my head spinning about why I was there, those times were accented and quickly overpowered by the talks about nature, being human, and finding our right way through life (all the reasons I had chosen to attend the retreat).
Here is my experience:
Registration Day (Sept. 30)
At 6:45am I left the highway and began the kilometer and a bit more walk to the International Monastery. The road headed straight and then curved around and behind a couple hills before spitting me out at the dining hall. Registration was a quick process of a few forms and a simple interview. After that I selected my room, and dropped off all my technological devices- phone, camera, laptop, etc- to be kept in storage until after the retreat. Picking up my pack, I put back on my shoes for what would be the last time in the next 10 days. I just wore them for a short walk from the dining hall to the dorms and then left them sitting outside the dorm compound for the rest of the retreat. We couldn't wear shoes inside any "buildings" and I prefer to be barefoot anyway so it only felt right to abandon them there for the time being.
But enough about that.
The girls dorm was a large square shape building with all the rooms surrounding and opening up to a central square shaped courtyard. ] It was quite a beautiful area even though the entire structure was concrete.
Everyone had their own simple room- a cement cave, cement bed, bamboo mat, and wooden pillow. Let the simple living begin. I got my blanket (didn't end up using it) and mosquito net, and unpacked the three shirts and two pants I would be rotating through the next 10 days. My room was in the middle with one end being the entrance and the other being the location for the bathrooms and showers. To my surprise we had western toilets, but don't worry they didn't have a flush handle, instead you scoop water from the bucket to manually flush the toilet (pretty normal here in Thailand). The shower was a basin filled with water that you stood around and scooped water from to dump on yourself while wearing a sarong.
Unpacked I went to explore the grounds a bit. To my surprise there were three beautiful ponds behind the meditation halls that reflected the sky and surrounding trees on their glassy surfaces. I gathered a tiny stool, square cushion, and pillow and placed them in the main meditation hall- my spot for the next ten days. This hall was the only one with a sand floor instead of concrete and the structure was just a giant, wooden roof held up by cement poles.
The rest of registration day passed by quickly through conversations with each new arrival and just like that at around 7pm silence began.
Day 1: Learning the Routine
Each day flowed to the time of the bells. No clocks were needed and it only took me a couple days to stop looking at my wrist for the watch that was no longer there. I did know some of the times from the schedule but everything else just flowed together in that space.
Our daily schedule went something like this.
4am- wake up bell
4:30am- begin the day in the main meditation hall
Morning reading.
Meditation.
Yoga at Sunrise
Monk talk.
Meditation.
8:00am- Breakfast (The best way I can describe it is savory oatmeal made with rice instead of oats. Maybe that sounds weird but it was delicious.)
Chores.
Free time. (I napped)
10:00am- Back to meditation hall
CD talk (translated recording of talks given by Ajahn Buddadasa, monk you started this temple)
Meditation
Walking Meditation
12:30pm- Lunch (last meal of the day)
Free time. (I once again napped)
2:30pm- Main meditation hall
CD talk
Meditation
Walking meditation or Q&A Session to answer questions we had written down
Chanting
Loving-kindness meditation
6:00pm- Tea
Free time (I went to the hot spring every night and then showered)
7:30pm- Main meditation hall
Sitting Meditation
Walking Meditation
Sitting Meditation
9:30pm- Lights out. Goodnight
Day 2: Settling In
Still getting used to the schedule, Day 2 was a bit of a blur. I will take this day to comment on the food because I was pleasantly surprised by the two meals we got each day. As mentioned above for breakfast we always had the rice-soup thing, bananas, and hot water.
Lunch was almost too delicious. After a year of random vegetarian meals of rice and veggie concoctions, I was use to this type of food. My expectation was to get rice and maybe some plain stir-fried mixed vegetables as our meals. Instead my tastebuds were delighted with curries, spice, tofu, a wide array of veggies, and a sweet dessert conclusion. We had either brown or purple rice and then two different thai-style vegetarian mixtures. The small dessert was either pineapple or those strange thai desserts that look unpleasant but somehow taste wonderfully.
I would eat mindfully but still make sure to have plenty of this delectable lunch in order to stay full until the next morning (19 hours without food). Because of all the sitting, I was never hungry at dinner time and would only feel hungry the next morning as I stared into my bowl of rice waiting to begin eating again.
As the days went on I also felt a lot lighter from the lack of food and lost a tiny bit of my "thai-sweets" weight as an added bonus.
Day 3: A Man Blowing Smoke
After my soak in the hot spring, I walked to the main meditation hall with my eyes quickly glancing between the blanket of stars above me and the dark sandy path below my feet. Sitting down on my cushion, my mind was already dreaming about half an hour from now when I'd be out from under this roof and able to stargaze. Breath in, breath out. I concentrated as hard as I could on my breath, but my thoughts kept wondering what constellations were out and if I would catch a glimpse of the Milky Way. Three rings of the bell notified my busy mind that it was time for the group walking meditation. My feet moved in rhythm with the group as we started making our way around the center, square pond. I would focus on my breath for a few steps and then my eyes would fix themselves upward. I know I shouldn't have been distracted but this was my first glimpse of the Milky Way in way too many month. Plus I could see Scorpio, the Summer Triangle, and Delphinus so vibrantly. This was the first moment I wished the silence was eradicated and we could lay down outside (we were not allowed to lay down anywhere except for in our bedrooms) so I could give everyone a star program. On the second lap around the pond, I looked towards Scorpio and where the Milky Way brushed the horizon. Instantly the hill dark turned into the profile of a man and the opening in his lips met perfectly with the Milky Way- a man blowing smoke. We never made it around the pond again, and this visual could only be seen from one specific area of the pond. But even with that short glimpse, I will always remember that man, and the way nature just perfectly aligns.
Day 4: What am I doing?
*Ding ding ding*
My slumber is interrupted by the sound of a bell. "Ouch why is this bed so hard and what is my head doing on a piece of wood?" I try and wipe the tiredness out of my eyes with no avail. Fumbling for my glasses in the dark, I find them, slide them on, and then fight my way out of the mosquito net to turn on the light. "Why? why? why?" I get changed, brush my teeth, rub on mosquito lotion, and take a deep whiff of my mint inhaler in my last ditch effort to wake up. No luck. Eyes half open I trudged to the meditation hall, sat down, and wrapped my sarong around my shoulders. As the speaker began talking my eye lids drooped. For the next hour of talking and then meditation I kept dozing in and out of consciousness. The tiredness wouldn't go away. Today was going to be rough. I yawned through yoga, drifted in and out during the monks talk, ate breakfast quickly, half heartedly raked the leave for my chore, and then went back to bed to try and escape the tiredness before the remainder of the day.
The nap did not help much and day 4 just had my mind anywhere but at the monastery. I could not believe I wasn't halfway through the ten days yet. At this point I never saw myself finishing. This schedule was just not vibing with my body or mind.
Day 5: At ease
A fresh day cleared away all doubts I was having during day 4. Somehow after a rough day, I had woken up (still very tired) but with a complete 180 in my mental state.
The schedule of the day seemed to float by. I had some solid moments of meditation. And I began to fall in love with the nature everywhere. During walking meditation I squatted down to look at tiny flowers in the grass, and without my noticing two red ants ran all the way up my leg to my hip. Standing up to begin walking again I felt a terrible biting pain right under my pants and for the first time did the "ants in my pants" dance because there actually were ants in my pants. Those red ants sure have a bite to them, and latch on, but I shook them away with very little annoyance. I was in a positive mood and even those biting ants wouldn't get me down.
Day 6: I pooped and I cried
Don't worry, the crying was not a direct correlation to pooping.
Yes I know you all want to hear about my bowl movements, so here you go. The previous week in Bangkok I had an upset stomach for 5 days (pretty sure I'm just allergic to the city). Luckily this went away right before I got on the train to Wat Suan Mokkh. But then for the first 6 days of the retreat, I didn't poop. Probably the drastic change in eating habits, new environment, etc. but I was getting a bit worried about it cause there wasn't much I could. The morning of day 6 this worry was flushed away as I had my first good poop in almost 2 weeks.
Well enough toilet talk.
It was now the evening and I had just sprinted through the pelting rain to try avoid getting completely soaked on my way to the main meditation hall. The damp clothes felt good in the heat, and I sat down happy about this storm. Placing my chanting book on my lap, I directed my gaze off to the left outside of the hall and out into the field. The rain was a thick wall, bouncing off the ground, and forming rivers through the sandy paths. A pulse of lightning ignited the sky just as an Earth rumbling crack of thunder overpowered all other sounds. The five white herons in the field simultaneously took flight and chills extended from my back down to my toes. In the next moment, tears rolled down my checks. After days of silence or just listening to calm talks, this storm overwhelmed me. I felt connected instantly with Mother Nature as that thunder echoed into my core. The pure, raw power of nature spoke. Everything we had talked about in regards to nature holding the truth and how we need to listen to nature to find our paths as humans was made perfectly clear in that moment. It was all so beautiful, that the tears just seemed to jump out of my eyes without my consciousness able to process that I was going to cry.
This moment will never slip from my memory.
Day 7: The Woodpecker
After 30 minutes of sitting meditation in the main meditation hall, my feet took me out to the ponds for some walking meditation time. I gently placed each step onto the grass below me, smiled at the little flowers, and avoided all the scurrying ants. A few laps around the glass surfaces of the ponds, and then the bell rung to bring everyone back for a bit more sitting meditation before lunch. Feeling content out of the hall, I did't head back and instead found a cement stump to sit on under the shade of a tree. In front of me was a bohdi tree and past that one of the ponds. I removed my glasses to blur my vision and just stared out into the scene as I began concentrating on each breath. But before I could settle in, a tapping noise coming from in front of me reached my ears. Curious about the source I slid back on my glasses and found a tiny woodpecker hanging upside down on a branch of the bodhi tree. My eyes became fixed on him. His little body would go halfway inside the hole he'd created, 4-9 pecks would ensue, and then he'd come back out to glance around. I watched, completely entranced by his movements for the next half an hour. When the bell chimed form lunch I wasn't ready to part with him, but I took a few deep breaths, let him go, and walked to the dining hall.
Day 8: Yoga Sunrise
Mat placed down in the meditation hall by the pond, surrounded by the other ladies, I surrendered into child's pose. Instantly the pain in my back subsided as I reached my arms farther forward and melted down into my hips. The sleepiness also faded a bit as we began to get into the flow. Coming into forward fold, rolling up to standing, it was time to begin our first sun salutation. I closed my eyes, reached up, and extended into a small back bend before dropping back down into forward fold. Following my breath I stepped back into high plank and decided to hold this pose for a few deep breaths in and out. On the next exhalation I lowered down into chaturanga. As I took my next inhalation, I pressed into upward dog and opened my eyes. In front of me the sky had transformed from the pre-sunrise blues into pastel shades of pink and orange indicating the first moments of sunrise. My eyes told me to stay where I was, to absorb each detail. A few more breaths here and before I pressed back into downward dog, the sun peaked its golden color out from behind the clouds. Now all the tiredness was gone. I just felt lucky. Lucky to be waking up with the other creatures of this world. Lucky to have my face kissed by the first light of day. Lucky to be doing sun salutations at sunrise.
Day 9: Complete Silence
Today was a special day.
No talks. No chanting. No lunch.
Instead today was the "Great Day of Silence." Just our breath, our thoughts, and breakfast. As I woke up for the day I was intrigued to see how the day would transpire for me. Yes I have been alone in nature for 5 days before without service. However I still had a book and camera to keep my mind company. Today I had none of that.
The morning started in the main meditation hall with an hour of meditation. Then to the an hour of silent yoga by the pond, before returning to the main meditation hall for another two hours of meditation (could do a mix of sitting and standing and walking, was up to us). Our one meal for the day was served at 8:30am. Luckily it was not the rice soup like normal breakfast and instead we got to fill our bellies with a lunch style meal. Chores and a nap were then followed by two and a half hours of meditation. At lunch time we got a cup of tea and then I went back to my room for another nap (the 6 hours of sleep at night was still not enough for me). In the afternoon we had the longest stretch of meditation time, totaling to three and a half hours. I thought the time would drag on and I'd just be twiddling my thumbs under a tree at some point, but the next bell came faster than I expected. Mixing between sitting and walking meditation and making sure to change my spot for sitting meditation to different trees every time, I was able to change up the scenery. Although many random thoughts definitely entered my mind throughout the day, I felt really settled and accomplished in my practice. No, I have not had any outer body meditation experiences yet. However, my monkey mind is more under control now. I am able to more quickly identify when I'm thinking and refocus my attention to my breath. Before the retreat I would often get lost in thought during meditation and it would take me many minutes to realize I was thinking and push away those thoughts.
For dinner we had another cup of tea. This was followed by my usual routine of hot springs, shower, and brushing my teeth. The evening ended with an hour and a half of meditation (which was typical for most nights). I went to sleep satisfied with my experience that day and inspired to leave all distractions at home on more of my solo hikes.
Day 10: Stars and Sharing
Our last full day of silence.
Today the schedule was back to normal, and I couldn't believe we were already to the final day. Although each day felt long- I mean we were awake for 18 hours every day- somehow the time had passed by so quickly. Time seems to be doing that a lot recently. People tell me the older you get the faster time moves, but someone told me I looked 16 (we won't get into that) so shouldn't my time still be moving a little slower.
Anyway, before our last evening session in the main meditation hall, I decided to leave the dorms early because the sky was cloudless. Walking out onto the bridge into the middle of the center pond, I sat down (don't worry I didn't break the rules by laying down) and fixed my eyes upward. As the daylight slipped away, more and more stars began popping out. To my left, Mars and Saturn were shining extra brightly on either side of Scorpio. To my right was Cassiopeia. Hanging out above me was the Summer Triangle and Delphinus. And of course, connecting them all was our beautiful galaxy, the Milky Way. As vast and unknown as space is, somehow I feel the most grounded when I look up at the night sky. Maybe it's because I know wherever my loved ones (friends and family) are they can look up and see it too. It makes the Earth seem so tiny.
Just beginning to get my fill, the bell chimed. One more deep breath. I stood up and walked to my spot in the main meditation hall. Tonight we would not be meditation though. Instead we were given two hours to share our stories, experiences, and inspirations (if we wanted to). Sitting there and listening to the first speakers brought some tears into my eyes. After sharing this space with everyone for 10 days, I felt so connected with everyone, but didn't know anyone's story. Those that started sharing had such a vast array of life experiences that led them to the retreat. I wondered if I should talk.
A few more friends shared moments from the week and what got them there, and then my body lead me up to the front where I sat and waited for my turn to talk. I guess I had decided that although hardship didn't lead me to come, that should not stop me. Everyone has their own unique life story, so mine is equally as worthy to be shared.
Sitting in half lotus on the table behind the mic, I cleared my throat took a deep breath and began speaking. It was the first time in 10 days that I was formulating my own sentences to vocalize. My voice felt calm, soft, and confident. I don't get nervous talking in front of people anymore (I mean I better not since that is what I do for my job), but I wanted to make sure what I said was eloquent and could inspire or connect to others.
So now you're probably wonder what I shared.
"Good evening everyone. My name is Breanne and I am from the United States. I came up here to tonight to share an experience I had during these past ten days and also spread my gratitude to everyone who made this retreat possible.
The reason I came to Wat Suan Mokkh was to deepen my meditation practice and reconnect with nature. In the States I am lucky enough to work in a National Park in California. This means I get to live and work in nature. But the past year I was teaching English in Northern Thailand. Yes this experience was incredible and I found lots of joy working with the students, but I felt disconnected from nature. So I came here to get back in touch with Mother Earth again.
And I found exactly that.
I would like to now share one memory from this week that made clear the true power of Mother Nature. I am sure all of you remember the thunderstorm we had on night six. Well that thunderstorm brought tears to my eyes. As we were all sitting here with the rain bouncing off the ground, the sky was ignited by a flash of lightning and instantly a deafening crack of thunder rumbled the Earth. I was looking out to the field over there, and as this happened five white herons flew up into the sky. In that moment I was reminded of the power of Mother Nature. How through her strength we can discover our own, and as humans how we need to listen to Mother Earth in order to find out way through life. Because of this moment and so many other small ones throughout the retreat I have once again found my connection to nature and all the truth it holds.
So I want to finish this talk by just saying thank you to everyone involved in making these past ten days possible. From the entire staff to all of you- my new friends whose warm faces were comforting as we shared this space in silence together. Thank you so much."
Day 11: Like Old Friends
The last 4am wake up call.
The last morning reading.
The last loving-kindness meditation.
And after packing our belongings in silence and cleaning our rooms, everyone began gathering in the dining hall. Passport back in my hands, I could once again talk.
Without saying anything, people began over to me, giving me a hug, and then lengthy conversations followed. The hugs felt like warm embraces of long time friends. The conversations flowed easily. A couple people even came up to me just to say they appreciated my speech the previous night. That they loved the connection to nature I was able to share and they really appreciated my insight. Although I did not need to hear that because I felt comfortable about what I had said, it still felt very good to know it resonated with some. After spending 10 days with these humans, even through silence, we had formed this strong bond with each other. It was so beautiful. For a little while I just sat back and looked around at everyone smiling, embracing, and talking.
A perfect end.
So on that note, I will finish this post with the most beautiful quotes I heard during the week.
"If your shoulders are tense, set down the World. The Earth is meant to be stepped on, not carried around on your back."- Khun Tai